Sheppard ate his meal, ignoring McKay who was seated across from him, rambling off his newest list of complaints against Zalekna and his suspicions that Dr. Keller and three other women on the science team might be in love with him. Teyla was eating alone, taking her time, poking at her food with a despondency he was unused to. She had regained most of the weight she had lost while a slave, yet it still bothered him to see the majority of her meal still on her plate. He cleared his throat. “Just a minute, Rodney.”

McKay blinked at him, his eyes wide as Sheppard rose. “I’m sorry – what?”

Sheppard grabbed his tray and stepped away from the table.

“Oh, I get it,” McKay continued with a smug expression. “You can’t take much more evidence of my fan club because it makes you jealous – is that it?”

Sheppard tried to hide his expression that looked as if he’d just seen Caldwell tap dance while waiting in line at the cafeteria. “Uh, yeah... sure.”

“I thought as much.” McKay slowly shook his head. “You really need to learn how to handle people, Sheppard.”

“I’ll... work on that...” Sheppard stepped over to Teyla while McKay returned to his lunch. Teyla didn’t notice the colonel until he set his tray down beside hers. “Mind if I sit here?”

She sucked in a breath, shaking her head as if breaking out of a reverie. “No, of course not.”

Sheppard slid into the seat across from her then took a bite of his salad. “So – what’s new with you?”

Teyla merely eyed him, looking confused.

Sheppard chewed then swallowed. “I mean what you been up to lately? I haven’t seen you with Ronon at all in the past week so I figure you guys must be pretty busy with other stuff.”

Teyla looked down at her plate and stabbed some lettuce. “Yes, well... I fear adjusting to life in Atlantis again has been... difficult.”

Sheppard considered this as he chewed, studying Teyla. “I can only imagine.” Teyla offered him a weak smile then returned her gaze to her food, poking at it some more. Sheppard took a sip of his milk. “But you and Ronon – seemed like you guys had a good thing going. Everything still all right? I noticed he’s been a little grumpy lately.”

Teyla sighed and tucked some of her loose hair behind her ear. “No, it is not all right, and if you do not mind, I would prefer to speak of something else.”

Sheppard nodded, his eyes a little wide. “Of course. Sorry.”

Teyla ignored him and set her fork down, giving up on eating.

Sheppard cleared his throat. “But you know... he could always talk to the psychologist. There are lots of ways to cope with what you two have been through. And we’re all here for you, Teyla.” He reached out and rested his hand on top of the Athosian’s. “We want to help.”

Teyla smiled sadly. “Thank you, John.”

He squeezed her hand. “You’re welcome.”

Her eyes, tinged with regret, didn’t leave his. “But there is nothing you or I can do.”

Ronon leaned against the railing, the wind whipping his loose curls about his face as he gazed at the churning seawater below. Liliana studied him, massaging the palms of her hands. Sheppard had contacted her the day before and had flown her to the city that afternoon. The Satedan’s nervous energy and submissive eyes were tearing at her composure. “Would you like to come back and live with us for a while?”

Ronon didn’t look at her but continued to study the waves that thrashed against the piers of Atlantis, heralding a storm. He slowly shook his head no, concentrating on the coldness of the metal railing against his skin and the prickling of his flesh in the chilly air, taking pleasure in the sensation of weakness.

“Well,” Liliana continued. “If you change your mind, please know that our home is always open to you.”

Ronon still refused to look at her, so Liliana crossed the distance between them and hugged his arm. She noticed how stiff he was and sighed, resting her cheek against his shoulder. She stood beside him for a long time, her blonde wisps of her hair whipping about, loosening from her braid. At length she realized that Ronon was watching the white caps furl and disappear on the distant combers, and so she, too, studied the way the water churned from green to blue to grey under the reflections of the bruised clouds. There was the distant rumble of thunder, and Ronon’s eyes came alive in the flicker of lightning in the belly of the clouds on the horizon.

He had slowly relaxed against her and she squeezed his arm. The energy in the air, the whip of the wind and the tumultuous power of the storm simultaneously reminded her of his heart and of how very small they both were. Many storms such as this had blown over the sea in the past, and many more would rage long after they were gone. They were blessed to witness the slow unfurling of the wild’s mighty voice while they could.

Liliana was so lost in thought that she almost believed Ronon’s voice to be in her mind, rather than outside. It made little difference either way. “Lives are like lightning.” She didn’t ask him to elaborate and didn’t move from her position at his side, feeling the muted pulse in his arm. He was quiet for a long moment before he spoke again. “Never the same. Only seconds. Surrounded by a storm... power.” Liliana watched the flickering light that neared and knew that Ronon was rejoicing in the danger. “Where do you think happens after we die?”

She was quiet for a moment then cleared her throat. “I don’t know.” She could feel his body let out the mildest of sighs, as if he’d hoped for a different answer. “Some people believe in an afterlife... others believe in nothingness.”

Ronon shifted and she could tell he was looking at her. “What do you believe?”

The thunder rolled over the water as the front of the storm approached, bringing the border of expectation and unknowable, boundless beauty ever closer. “I have faith.” He shifted again and she knew he was looking away from her once more, his motion stiff with annoyance. She continued anyway. “Everything comes and goes, Ronon. Everything moves in a circle. Bird’s nests... planets... the wild, twisting winds on the plains – they’re all circles, and circles have no beginning or end. If it’s an end that you’re worried about... well, there’s nothing in our lives to hint at an end. Nothing just ends. When water evaporates it becomes rain.” Ronon was studying the railing and she knew he was listening intently. She looked up at his face, distantly registering the pitter patter of rain beginning to fall. “Do you know what the one constant in life is?”

His green eyes locked onto hers. “Death?”

She shook her head. “Change.”

Ronon furrowed his brow.

Ronon sighed and looked back out to the storm. “You mean our bodies. They fertilize the soil – I know. I’ve heard it all before when I was growing up.”

Liliana shook her head. “You know there’s more to you than a body. You could give someone else the same body as you and they would be a different person. That difference is you.” He looked back to her and she offered him a smile, squeezing his arm. “And you’re a beautiful person, Ronon. That will always be a part of your life in this world and the next.”

He furrowed his brow. “The next?”

“Where were you before you were born?”

“Nowhere.”

Liliana cocked her head. “Where’s nowhere?”

He hesitated. “I don’t know.”

“You were you. You were born and welcomed by your family, who you didn’t know, but they had come before you. It’s the same when we die – we change, and are welcomed by our family. You didn’t know you were going to be born, or at least you don’t remember knowing, just as you don’t know what will happen once you die, or at least you don’t remember what will happen. But you look at the world around you, and how everything moves in a circle, and you start to understand that despite your greatest fears, your body, and your soul – your spirit – will come again. It is not something to fear.”

“Yes it is.” He hesitated and neither of them noticed the gaining strength of the rain. “Why would I want to keep being born into suffering? I would rather just end.”

Liliana sighed. “You are forgetting everything that’s good. You’re forgetting your happiness.”

He shook his head, his hair crowned with droplets of water. “Teyla hates me.”

Liliana’s gaze morphed with concern. “That’s not true.”

“I can’t... she...” He let out a frustrated sigh. “It’s not fair.”

“No, it isn’t. But that doesn’t change the fact that it is. You’ve been through so much, Ronon, but I know you, and I know how very strong you are. Feel the pain of what you’ve endured, acknowledge it, and then let it pass.”

He looked back out to the storm. “You don’t understand.”

“What don’t I understand, Ronon?”

“That I’m not me anymore!” He had whipped his head around to face her and paused at Liliana’s challenging expression. “I don’t even recognize myself, Liliana. Everything’s too quiet. I’m waiting for something bad to happen all the time. I don’t feel safe. I feel naked. I don’t even know whose thoughts are in my head half the time.”

“Ronon – ”

“I was unfaithful to her, Liliana! I was sick and broken and couldn’t stop her. I couldn’t even stop myself.”

Liliana furrowed her brow at the squeak in his voice at the last sentence. “From what?”

“From – ” He cut himself off, his cheeks reddening. “From... reacting. Like I enjoyed it.”

Realization relaxed Liliana’s face. “Another woman touched you.”

He closed his eyes and nodded, once more studying the railing as he ran his thumbnail over it.

Liliana was quiet for a moment, the pieces of the puzzle falling together as she tucked her damp hair behind her ears. “Does Teyla know?”

Ronon shook his head. “I couldn’t tell her...”

The defeat in his shoulders and the weakness in his voice lit a fire in Liliana’s breast. Her voice was firm. “Ronon.”

The Satedan ignored her.

“Ronon, look at me.”

He hesitantly did so, his cheeks still burning with shame.

“What she did to you was against your will and it is not your fault that your body reacted.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Weren’t you listening to anything I just said? Your body is not you.”

Ronon blinked, the whimper in his eyes beginning to subside as he took in her words. A rivulet of water trickled down his temple and he wiped at it, suddenly becoming aware of his clothing being wet. Suddenly becoming aware of being cold. Suddenly becoming aware of his body. Liliana’s words slammed into him with clarity. If he really were only a body, he would have felt the cold and the wet overpowering his thoughts long ago.

Liliana reached up to cup his cheek. “I love you, Ronon. And so do Bo and Bri and Sanura and Curtis and Colonel Sheppard and Teyla... We’re your family. What happened to you boils my blood. But it’s not your fault, Ronon. You’ll never be the same person you were before. That is worth mourning... but shed your tears and try to move on.”

He leaned into her hand the slightest bit, his voice still cracking. “...I don’t know how.”

“You can start by remembering who you are and all you have done. Scars make us stronger.”

Ronon nodded, his throat painfully tight. He pulled Liliana against him in a hug. Liliana didn’t let go until Ronon pulled away long minutes later. Both were soaked to the bone and shivering, yet she didn’t leave his side until he was ready to bid the storm goodbye. Once they were back inside and laughing lightly over their sopping clothes, Ronon was reminded of all Liliana had done for him, and all he knew she would do for him still, if he ever asked, and he realized that he was still capable of great trust.

Branded Heart

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